Jokes & Funny stories

    For something to be funny, i believe it should be funny to everybody who hears it.  Some times we hear jokes that may offend us.  That is not funny.   I hope you do not find anything here that is offensive to you.   If you do please tell.   If you write to me about it, i will take care of the problem.  The intention of this page is to share some humor with you.  If it is not humorous i am not doing it right and need to know that somebody is offended by my attempt to make them smile..

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God's Fair Share The Death Bet A Man For All Seasons
Modern Marvels The Rabbit Hunt Is the Cure Worth It ?
Engineers & Accountants It's a Sure Bet The Golfers
Top to Bottom Doctors How Old Is a Lawyer? When Are You Old ?
Out-running the Lion Avoid Climbing Stairs Rabbi Confessor
Everyone Knows Bubba No Bull Pennies from Heaven
How Old Am I? Support Tech's Nightmare Jesus on the Line
Butler's Night Off Reduction in Personnel The Zackery Syndrome
Trimming the Tree Mother's Christmas Cheer Big Gulp Full of Coins
The Morning After Listen to Your Doctor Expectant Fathers
The Blind Man Geriatric Hooker Shhh
The Cursing Parrot Saint Pete's Potty Break The Missing Period
Krazy Questions Paper Work 32 Ways to pee People Off
100 Proof Pee That's My Story Irish Joy
My Nephew the Priest Happy Retirement Bob Rodney Dangerfield 1 Liners
Red & the Wolf The Super Radio After All These Years
Language Improvements Fogy-Proof Caps The Squeeze
T.G.I.F A Union House Rise and Shine


 

 

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Mother Superior's Physic

        A liquor store owner in a small town was surprised to see a nun from his church coming into his establishment and was curious as to what would bring one of the holy sisters into this den of demon rum.   The nun explained that the mother superior was having a delicate problem.   She hesitated, but then explained that the Mother had not has a bowel movement in two days and was in great distress.   Puzzled, the owner asked how that had anything to do with him?   The sister told him that if she had a fifth of Jack Daniel's she could cure the mother superior.   Not understanding, but satisfied with the explanation the man gave the nun a bottle of the whiskey.   As he was closing his shop that evening, he heard a giggling noise from the little alley way behind his liquor store.  He peeked around the corner and there was the nun to whom he had sold the whiskey.   She was sitting on the ground, leaning up against a garbage can, in a pile of trash.   Her petty coats were up over her head and she was giggling and trying to get her self into a sitting position so she could get her petty coats down again and provide her with another view of the world once more.   She was having a difficult time because she was clutching an empty whiskey bottle in one hand and trying to use the same hand for everything else.   She kept flopping back down again in the puddles and such and giggling.
    The shop keeper was in shock!   To see a nun in such condition was something he could never have ever thought of in his entire life had he not seen it.   "Sister! " He exclaimed,  "Oh shame on you sister.   Look at you in the gutter like that, drunk as a boiled owl.   You lied to me sister.   You told me that whiskey was for the mother superior, and here you drank it all your self.    Shame on you."   Finally righting herself so she could see over her habit, the nun tried to focus her vision on the two gentlemen she saw before her.   "Hey, buddy....",  slurred the inebriated initiate,  "I never lied to nobody.  I do not lie to (hic) anybodee.  I am a nun, for crying out loud."   "Oh yeah" says the shop owner,  "you told me that whiskey was for the mother superior's constipation."    Her head nodding around like it couldn't make up it's mind which angle gave the best double vision, she looked him in the eyes and said, "That is absolutely right.... what the you think she is going to do when she sees me ?"

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Father's dying wishes

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor.  First, the  wife speaks to the counselor alone.  The counselor asks, "You  say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"   The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy!  I'm going to leave him if he continues!"     "How does he drive you crazy?"    "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things..
  First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and  refuses to go near anyone.  It's very embarrassing."     The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"    "He keeps picking his nose all the time!  Even in public!"     "Hmmn, anything else?"    The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets  me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"    "Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."  
  So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.  The  counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving  her crazy.  She might even leave you."    The husband looks shocked, "WHAT?  For 20 years I've been loving   and considerate and I've always given her what she wants!  What  could be the problem?"
    The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits  that are driving her crazy.  First, you're always acting strange  in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."   The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand!  It's  one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed  and I swore I'd obey everything he said.   He died 20 years ago  and I have kept my promise."   "What did he say?"    He said, "Tony, don'a you go steppin on'a nobody's toes.".    The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should  not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."    The husband looks sheepish, "Oh.  Okay."    The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."    "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to  do!  He told me, "Remember always to keep'a you nose clean.".        The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge  in any criminal activity."    "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid..    "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top  during your lovemaking."    "This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father  commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important  thing."    "What in the world did he say?"   
The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said,  "What ever else'a you do, don'a  be screw'n up."


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The geriatric groom

     An 80 year old millionaire married a 24 year old chorus girl.   On their wedding night, the happy couple booked the bridal suite in the fanciest hotel in the big city.   The bride was watching TV in her room, awaiting her new husband and ready to do what ever it took to make the old guy happy.   After a while, a knock on the door announced the arrival of the ancient husband.   The old man and his bride consummated the marriage and the groom excused him self, leaving his wife alone in the bed.   Thinking her duty was over, the bride turned her TV back on again and settled back to enjoy the Champagne.   Her solitude was interrupted once more by a knock on the door and the arrival of the groom, once more.   Thinking it strange to see the old man back again, another bottle of champagne and a couple of clean glasses.   Amazed that the old man could return so soon, they once more went through the mating ritual.  Once more the old man excused himself and left.   His wife was amazed, and pleased to see how well the old man had performed, so soon after the first time.
     Once more, the bride settled down with the new champagne and turned the TV on once more.   Before a half hour had passed, there was another knock on her door.   Once more the amorous oldster stood in the doorway, wine and glasses in hand.   The bride could hardly believe her eyes.  This old guy was a super man.  Her he was back for the third time that evening.   Once more tumbled around together and the old man excused himself once more.   As he turned to leave again, his wife stopped him and asked him how an old man, as he appeared to be and indeed had achieved the age of 80 plus years, could rise to the occasion three times in one evening upon the wedding bed.   Bewildered, the old man replied, "oh..?   Have I been here all ready tonight ?".

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The Backwards Collar

     A little boy got on a bus and seated himself next to a priest, who was intently reading something. The little boy noticing the man's collar was on backwards commented about it and asked the priest why it was turned around. The Priest, distracted from his reading, looked up and replied to the boy, "I am a Father.", then went back to his reading. The little boy looked puzzled and said, "Well my daddy is a father too, but he doesn't wear his collar turned around.".   Putting on his best attempt to not look irritated at the interruption, the priest offered, "I am a Father to many.".   Again this answer went over the boy's head and he replied, "My daddy has four boys and three girls and 5 grand children, but he wears his collar the right way.".    Visibly annoyed by now, the priest shot back, "I am a Father to hundreds.".   The little boy fell into silence for the rest of the trip to his stop, contemplating a father of hundreds.   As he arose to leave the bus, he turned to the priest and said, "Mr., I think you ought to turn your pants around too."

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First Class Blonde

     On a flight from New York to Los Angeles a beautiful blonde lady who was sitting in coach, relocated her self in First class.   The flight attendant informed her that she needed a first class ticket to be able to sit in first class, and since the blonde only had a coach ticket she would have to move back to coach.  The blonde looked her straight in the eye and said, "I am blonde, I am beautiful, I am going to Hollywood and become a big star and I am going first class all the way."   Dismayed, the attendant went to the head flight attendant with the problem of the blonde in first class. The head flight attendant went to speak with the misplaced would-be actress.  After explaining to her again that a first class ticket is required to fly first class the blonde gave her the same act as she gave the other attendant, "I am blonde, I am beautiful, I am going to Hollywood and become a big star and I am going first class all the way."      Not wanting to use force, the head flight attendant went to see the captain with her problem.   The captain asked which seat she was in and told the attendant that he would take care of it.   The captain walked back to first class and whispered in the Blonde ear.   The blonde immediately arose and went back to coach, taking her original seat once more.   Amazed at the captain's ability to handle such a tough situation peaceably she was dying to know what the captain told the young woman and asked the Captain what he could have said that had such an instant effect.   "Actually it was pretty simple.", Said the captain, " I just told her that first class did not stop in Los Angeles.

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Evening News

     Two mentally challenged gentlemen, Stashu and Yashu were room mates and both loved to wager. One evening as they were watching the evening news, a story of a suicide was being aired. They showed a man on a ledge 15 stories off the street who was threatening to jump, while a team of negotiators tried to talk him down.    "Hey, Yashu", called Stashu from the kitchen where he was preparing supper, "I make bet you $5 that guy is jumping before they can stop him.".   Not one to let a good bet go by, Yashu replied, "You have bet, my friend. I bet $5 he is not be jumping."  Yashu has no sooner finished accepting the bet and the suicidal guy on the news took a mighty swan dive to the pavement below.
     
 Being a man of his word, Yashu handed Stashu the five dollars.     Laughing, Stashu handed his friend back the fin and told him that he had seen this broadcast on the afternoon news and already knew that the man had jumped. He was just teasing with Yashu about the bet. "Oh, No,. bet is bet." Says Yashu, "I too am seeing broadcast in afternoon.    But I am to be thinking that he must be smarter by now and will not to be jumping this time. Is honest bet, so i pay."

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The Death Bet

     Four good friends who had been together since elementary school days used to get together each month to just keep in touch and celebrate their friendship. They would go golfing or bowling, or what ever and just have fun together. As they grew and chose careers for them selves they married, and had families and all the things that friends do as they age. One of the friends was a lawyer, another was a Doctor, one was a College Professor, and the third owned his own business. They were all very successful. One night while out on their monthly get together they were all playing poker at the doctor's house and they started talking and bragging on how fit they were and how long they thought they would live. Each one felt that he could out-last the others and after arguing a bit they decided to all make a bet on who would die first. They all agreed the who ever died first would win the bet. The bet was for $500 and how it was to take place was that at the funeral of the first of the four to die the others would each step up to the casket just before it was lowered into the ground and pay up their $500 by leaving the money right on the casket to be buried with the deceased. They would stand there and watch their money go into the grave with the winner of the bet.
     Well, the years went on and the friends grew older and one day, the businessman had a stroke from which he never recovered. Saddened the Doctor, the Professor and the Lawyer attended the funeral and at the appropriate time the Doctor walked up to the casket, took out a $500 bill from his pocket and placed it on the casket. The Professor with a tear in his eye also walked up to the casket and laid a $500 bill on top of the one that the Doctor placed there. The lawyer walked up to the casket, and took out his check book. He wrote a check for $1,500 and placed it on the casket, then picked up his $1,000 change and tearfully said goodbye to his business man friend, as he carefully slipped the money into his wallet..
  

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Give to God what is God's

     A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi had taken a vacation together to a tropical island, to get away from the hustle bustle of the clerical life and just relax in the warm sea breezes and enjoy the swaying palms and the sheer beauty of the island paradise.
As they strolled along the beach they noticed that the previous night's storm had uncovered something on the high beach. As they investigated they discovered it was the corner of some sort of chest or other and they started to dig at the sand with their hands to uncover more of this mysterious find.   As they dug way and the object revealed itself they became excited because it looked like some sort of treasure chest.  Sure enough, when they finally got it uncovered they saw that it was indeed a chest and they hauled it out of the hole to take a closer look.  They quickly broke the rusty lock with a stone and opened the chest.  Before their eyes was a treasure of coins. Gold coins filled the chest and it glistened like the day they were buried, bright and shining in the sun the gold was worth millions.
     The three Clerics were overjoyed. Ah, said the minister, at last we can get the roof repaired and a new organ for the church.  The priest was making plans for a new rectory at the parish, and the Rabbi had a plan to make a summer camp for the children. They were all delighted with the treasure and they chatted actively and talked about what good things the money would bring about for the three and their respective congregations.
     Soon the novelty and excitement subsided enough to get the three thinking about how they were going to handle the "tithe", on this money.   They cannot keep it all but must return some to God for God's work in the world. They all had their equivalents of their diocese and somebody higher in the chain of command within their respective religious orders from who they were governed and to whom they must answer.  How much will we give to God? How much do we send to the headquarters for God's work?   They sat a while in thought and the priest arose to express his idea of how to determine God's share.    He proposed to draw a circle on the ground and they all stand in the circle with a third of the treasure in their hands. Then they would toss all the coins into the air and all of the coins that fell inside the circle would be given to God.   
      The minister had a little problem with that and he suggested that they go along with what the priest offered however that it should be the money that fell outside the circle that should go to God, not the larger amount that would land in the circle.   
      The Rabbi, was thinking very hard about this puzzle and finally he got up and said. "Oy, my friends, we do not need any circles at all here. We are speaking of God, The God Almighty.   He needs no circles at all.   What we should do, is all three take the treasure and throw it all into the air.   Give it all to God, every coin.  Lets not be greedy here, my friends, we should let God have it all.   Have faith and He will return to us all the treasure that he does not want to keep."

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Bye Bye, Disneyland

     Two Blonds were excited to be going to Disneyland for the first time in their lives. They had traveled by car all the way from Louisiana to experience the magic kingdom and were very happy to finally be able to go after a life time of waiting.  However as they approached the Park they spotted a sigh that said:

Disneyland --- Left

     Tearful and disappointed they turned the car around and drove back home again.

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Adam & Eve Settling In

     After a few days to get used to the new woman in paradise, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'.  So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.  
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."   And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now  I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'".  So the
again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with
Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord,
that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well
Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked,
"What is 'make love' Lord?'".  So the Lord again gave Adam directions and
Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two
seconds.   Looking bewildered, Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

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The Mime Who Went Ape

     One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.  
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the
top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise
for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime   is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling,  "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,   "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

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Reverend Exterminator

      Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started i've been having trouble with bats
in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.   Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third pastor just smiled and said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back since" !!!

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Blind Golfers

      A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been
waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a
word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They
lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we
let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can
do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?


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The Boarder

     
     A  94 yr. old man went to a doctor to get a physical examination.   He was getting married and needed to get an update on his health papers.  The doctor found the old gent in good shape for a 90 yr. old, but when he heard the bride was only 23, the doctor was a bit concerned. As tactfully as he could, he advised the groom to be, that perhaps he ought to look in to taking in a young border, for his wife's sake.   Although he was a bit confused about why, the old man took the doctor's advice and rented out an upstairs room in the house to a young border. While walking in the park one afternoon, about 6 months later, the doctor came upon the same old gentleman, also out walking. As they walked along the doctor grew curious about how the arrangement with the border was working out so he asked the old fellow, "How is your wife doing? Adjusting to married life ok?" Smiling from ear to ear, the old guy crows, "I'll say she is. Hee hee, she is due in three months and it looks like twins." Smiling, the doctor asked, "Oh, then you did take my advice about the border?" "Oh, yeah, sure i did, though i have to tell you doc, i could not figure out why that would help my wife." "Well then, Mr. Lazarus, how IS your border doing?. "Oh, shucks doc, she's pregnant too, and am i in the dog house with my new wife."


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Cliton, Gingrich, & Quayle Oz

     
    
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House
Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together
in Kansas.

A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and
tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a
daze.

When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle,
they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard
is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

 

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Public Convenience

      The monsignor and the bishop were at the altar late Saturday night in
preparation for Mass on Sunday. The bishop is deep in his prayers when
the Monsignor hears the back door to the church open and sees a drunk
stagger in. Banging his bottle on the pews as he goes, the drunk makes
it to one of the confessional booths, goes in, and pulls the curtain
behind him.

"Wow, what a witness for the power of God this man could be!" thinks the
Monsignor, so he scurries over to the back side of the booth, sits down
inside, slides open the little door, and waits anxiously for the drunks'
confession. Soon, the Monsignor realizes that the drunk is only mumbling
and not really coherent, so to prompt him, the Monsignor gently
says,"May I help you, my son?"

The drunk shot back: "Yeah, man... you got any toilet  paper on your side?"

 

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The Trade-off


One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good
news and some bad news," God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you.

One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create
newthings, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.

The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to
reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet.

Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children
and much pleasure."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me.

What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is
that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of
these organs at a time."

 

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It's a Dog's Life

Part one
The Doggie Take Over

OK, we can get a dog. But the dog has to stay outside all the time
and can not come into the house except to eat when it is raining.

Ok, the dog does not have to stay outside All the time. She can come
once in a while providing she does not get on the furniture.

Ok, the dog can occasionally get up on the OLD fruniture, but not the
newer good furniture.

Ok, the dog can sit on any of the furniture, but the bed is absolutely
off limits forever.

Ok, the dog can get up on the bed if she is just been bathed and is very
clean, providing she just gets on top of the bed spread.

Ok, the dog can get on the bed as long as she does not have fleas.

Ok, the dog can get under the covers, but only if she is very clean and
free from fleas.

Ok, the dog can get under the covers any time she wants to.

Notice: hunans can use the bed only when the dog is not sleeping in it.


Part two
Mind Games Doggies Play With Humans


1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY
YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the
sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's
bedtime.


2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put
your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you
have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans
frantically search the house for the damage they think you have
caused. (Note: this only works when you have done absolutely
nothing wrong.)


3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it
perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else,
stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what
they're talking about.


4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to pee, sniff
around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you
choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.


5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk, always pick
the busiest, most visible spot to go "poo". Take your time and
make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your
humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.


6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing
every time a strange human walks by.


7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when
playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in
awhile.


8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet
them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think
something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one
of your humans is panic-sticken and close to tears.)


9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your
time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off
and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as
you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back
asleep after going outside. This will drive them nuts!)


Part three
Things humans can learn from Dogs

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face
to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you've had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout ...run right back and make friends.


Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

 

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Dirty Minds


      In a very proper Girls Private Academy, the anatomy teacher was addressing the
class. "Miss Blueblood, would you please stand and tell us which part of the human
anatomy, when properly stimulated is able to expand to 6 times it's normal size? And, also describe the conditions which cause this to happen"? Miss Blueblood turned beet red and stammered, "Mr Snodgrass!! How dare you? You can be assured my mother will hear of this!" Undaunted the instructor asked the next girl the same question and she replied, "The pupil of the human eye can expand to 6 times it's normal size under proper simulation. The condition would be, of course withdrawal of light source."
     Smiling, the instructor thanked the girl and turned back to Miss Blueblood, who by now was really blushing. "And for you, Miss Blueblood, i have three things to say. One, you obviously did not study your lesson for today. Two, you have a dirty mind for a lady of your breeding. And three, you are evidently bound for a disastrous disappointment."

 

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How Dumb Can They Get?


      Three guys are discussing how stupid their wives are. The first says "My
wife is so stupid, she bought a car!!! She doesn't have a license and we
don't have insurance, she can't drive it!!!.

     The second guy says "My wife is so stupid she bought a washing machine!!!. We don't have running water, she can't use it!!!!.

The third guy says "That's pretty stupid but my wife is so stupid, she's going on a cruise by herself! She bought a hundred condoms!! She doesn't even have a penis!!!

 

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Long Term Memories


      Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade
class."

Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. 
I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."

 

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A Man For All Seasons


      Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to
the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which
the man answers, "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the
Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will
have much to discuss!"

Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is
your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!,"
responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs.
We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which
the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "Hey... How about them Cowboys, eh?"

 

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Modern Marvels


     
A Hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City.   One day, the father
took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by
everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I ain't
never seen anythin' like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment,
an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles
of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles
light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a
voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Boy.. Go git 'cher Maw."

 

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The Rabbit Hunt



The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA were all trying to prove that they were the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decided to five them a test.
He released a rabbit into a forest and each of the groups had to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughour the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no surrender from the rabbit, they
burn the forest, killing everthing in it including the rabbit, and they make
no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear.  The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit!   I'm a rabbit!"


 

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 Is The Cure Worth It?



An old woman came into her doctor's office and
confessed to an embarrassing problem.

"I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless,
and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've
farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three
times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a
week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr.
Johnson's office.

"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the
problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still
soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have
to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly.
"Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your
hearing."


 

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 The Mole Family


      There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the
country.   The papa mole reached his head out of the hole
and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said
"Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

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 The Priest & the Housekeeper

     An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner.
During the meal, the young priest couldn't help but notice
how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over
the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was
more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than
met the eye.

     Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I
assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely
professional."

   About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly
priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose the young Father took it, do
you?" The elderly priest said, " well, I doubt it, but I'll
write him a letter just to be sure."

  So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying
that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm
not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner."

  Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from
the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying
that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not
saying that you 'do not'. But the fact remains that if you
were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the
gravy ladle by now."

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 Engineers & Accountants

     Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by
train to a conference. At the station, the 3 accountants
each buy tickets and watch as the 3 engineers buy only a
single ticket. "How are 3 people going to travel on only
one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see,"
answers an engineer. They all board the train. The
accountants take their respective seats but all 3 engineers
cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes
around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom
door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a
crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The
conductor takes it and moves on.

After the conference, the accountants decide to copy the
engineers on the return trip and save some money (being
clever with money, and all that). When they get to the
station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How
are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an
engineer. When they board the train the 3 accountants
cram into a restroom and the 3 engineers cram into
another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward,
one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to
the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He
knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

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 It's a Sure Bet

    
    This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning,
peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up
behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a
huge frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She
replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" He says,
"Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the
horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I
bet on." She is appeased and goes off to work around the
house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair
reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says,
"What's that for this time?" She answered, "Your horse
called."

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 The Golfers

   
      Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because
the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every
sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't
bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf
etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man
said, " I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us
play through. " He walked out to the fairway, got halfway
to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back,
explaining, " I can't do it. One of those women is my wife
and the other is my mistress.
Maybe you'd better go talk
to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, got
halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped,
turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly
and said, "hee hee, Small World!"

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 Top to Bottom Doctors

   
      A psychiatrist and a proctologist became good friends and agreed to share offices to cut down on expenses. To economise even further, they had just one sign printed:


Dr. Marvin Hornstein, Psychiatrist
Dr. David Slodnick, Proctologist
Specializing in Odds & Ends

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 How Old is a Lawyer?

   
      A famous lawyer died and, unexpectedly, showed up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened the lawyer saw a banner which welcomed him, the first 457- year old man. The lawyer was confused. He said to St. Peter, "I don't understand. When I died, I was 63 years old, not 457." St. Peter was now confused, and said, "Why, you
must be 457 years old!    We added up all the hours you billed your clients to calculate your age.

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 You Know You're Old when...

   
1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
2. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
3. You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been
     anywhere.
4. The only names in your "little black book", end in "MD."
5. You get winded playing cards.
6. Your children begin to look middle-aged to you.
7. You join a health club and don't go. (hee hee, i did this myself)
8. A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
9. You finally have the answers, but now nobody asks you      anything.
10. You look forward to a dull evening.
11. You need glasses to find your glasses.
12. You turn out the lights for economic, rather than romantic        reasons.
13. You have trouble getting your rocking chair going.
14. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
15. Your back goes out more than you do.
16. You have too much room in the house, and not enough in        the medicine chest.
17. When you sink your teeth into a juicy steak, they stay there.


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 Out Running a Lion

   
      A lawyer and his brother, a doctor, were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.   The doctor asked, "What should we do?" The lawyer said, "I'm gonna run for it!" The doctor replied, "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"   The lawyer said, "I don't have to out-run Him,  I  only have to, out-run, You!"

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 Out Running a Lion

   
      A lawyer and his brother, a doctor, were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.   The doctor asked, "What should we do?" The lawyer said, "I'm gonna run for it!" The doctor replied, "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"   The lawyer said, "I don't have to out-run Him,  I  only have to, out-run, You!"

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 Avoid Climbing Stairs

   
      An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse fell and broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.   Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.   "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.
"Yes," he replied.  "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that dad'gummed drainpipe!"

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 The Rabbi Confessor

   
      A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover
for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the
priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to
do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a
few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have
sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed
adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say
two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes
later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me
for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed
adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say
two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I
have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Just once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more
times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

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 Everybody Knows Bubba

   
      There's this guy in a bar that's saying he knows everybody, and will bet
anybody on it. So this guy walks up and says, "I bet you don't know Burt
Reynolds." He says come on, they hop a plane to Florida, show up at Burt's
door and Burt says, "Hi Bubba, how have you been? Come on in!"
On the flight back home the guy says, "I'll bet you another $100 you don't
know Bill Clinton." So they catch a flight to D.C. Sure enough the walk
into the oval office and Bill says "Hi Bubba, what are you
doing here? It's real nice to see you again!"
On the flight back home he says to Bubba,"I'll bet you double or nothing
you don't know the Pope." Bubba says "Look I don't really want to take your
money, me and the Pope go back a long way. Really, pick somebody else."
Figuring he's got Bubba on this one, he insists, so they board a plane for
Rome.
When they get to Vatican City, Bubba tells the guy, "Look, they aren't
going to let you in here with me. Stand right here and in 10 minutes I'll
be on that balcony with the Pope." After a little squabble he agrees.
Sure enough 10 mins. later there's Bubba on the balcony with the Pope.
Bubba looks down to see the guy passed out on the ground. He runs down to
see what's wrong and the guy says, "OK, you know Burt Reynolds, you know
the President, but when the guy behind me said, 'Hey, who's that guy up
there with Bubba' I passed out!"

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 No Bull

   
      A rancher owned 900 cows and three bulls. The biggest bull had 500 cows,
the middle bull 300 and the smallest had 100. One day they overheard the
rancher talking about getting a new bull. The biggest bull said, "I ain't
giving up any of mine, so you two be ready to lose some of yours." The
middle one said he wasn't giving up any, and so did the smallest bull.
Several days later, a cattle truck pulled into the pasture and stopped.
Right away it began shaking and rocking until the entire rear came flying
off and our roared the biggest, meanest Brahma bull ever seen.
The three bulls looked at it in amazement and the big bull said, "Oh heck,
I may be willing to share some of my cows." The middle bull agreed.
The smallest bull began pawing the ground and snorting. The biggest bull
looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? look at the size of that sucker!"
The small bull answered, "I don't want to fight him. I just want to make
sure he knows I'm not a cow!"

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 Pennies From Heaven

   
      A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the questions of
life, the universe, and his own personal problems. The man could not
find
any answers so he sought help from God.

"God!? God?! Are you there God?!", he shouted.

God responded, "What is it, my son?"

"I have a few questions, mind if I ask?"

"Go right ahead, my son...anything," God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

"Hmmm," he thought. Then he asked again, "God, what is a million
dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is only worth a penny."

The man lifts his eyebrows and proceeded to ask a final question.

"God can I have a penny?"

"Sure!" God replied cheerfully. "..Just hang on a second..."

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 How Old Am I?

   
     
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000
and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at
a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales
clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling
really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the
order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look
about 29". "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She
replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I
was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand

down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able
to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought
what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

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 Support Techs Nightmare
(Actual transcript of a trouble call)

"Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Wordperfect"
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm, so what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when i type."
"Are you still in Wordperfect, or did youget out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What is a sea prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have
a little light that tells you when it is on?"

"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can yu see that?"

..."yes, I think so"
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall?"

.."Yes, it is"
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable"
.."Okay, here it is"
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer?"
"I can't reach"
"Uh huh, well, can you see if it is?"
"No"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I dont have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the ofice light then."

"I can't"
"No? Why not?"
"Because there is a power outage."
"A power;;.A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I am afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you are too stupid to own a computer!"

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 Horse Laugh

   
     
A man walks into a pub and notices a horse sitting in the corner.
The man asks the barman as to its purpose. The barman says "Well you
see, for five dollars you can have a go at making the horse laugh - and
if you do you will collect the fund which is currently at $2,000"- as
no-one had ever won the prize. The man thinks about the proposition and
has a go.

He walks up to the horse and whispers something in its ear. At that
moment the horse bursts out laughing and collapses to the ground still
laughing. The man walks up to the barman, collects the fund and leaves.

Sometime later in the year the man returns to the bar and again the
same horse is in the corner. "What do I have to do now?" The barman says
" Well its not so easy this time. You have to make the horse cry and you
will collect the fund of $3,000." So the man pays his $5 fee and
walks up to the horse - seconds later the horse bursts out crying.

The man goes up to the bar to collect his money so the barman asks
him how he had managed to make the horse laugh and cry. The man said "
Well the first time I told the horse that my penis was bigger than his..
the second time I showed him!"

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 Jesus on the Line

   
     
One day at the Vatican, a papal aide rushes in to the Pope's office
and says, "Your Holiness! Good news and bad news!"


The Pope replies, "What's the good news?"


"Jesus Christ is on the phone."


"That's great news, what can be so bad?"


"He's calling from Utah!"

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 Buttler's Night Off

   
     

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening.   The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off.

She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important
clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress."

He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.   She looked at him and then said,

"Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

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 Reduction of Personnel

   

An office manager had money problems which could only be solved by
down-sizing. He was going to have to fire an employee, either Jack
or Jill.

Since they were both good employees he was having a tough time
deciding which one to let go. He had an idea. He would fire the
employee who came to work late the next morning. Well, both
employees came to work very early.

Then he decided he would fire the first one who took a coffe break.
Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break that day. Then
the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break.
Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They
both ate lunch at their desk.

Then the manager thought he would wait and see who would leave work
the earliest, and both employees stayed until after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her
and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to
lay you or Jack off."

Jill answered, " Well, you'd better jack-off, because I'm already
late for my bus."

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 The Zackery Syndrome



A lonely despondent woman was complaining about her life to a friend one day.  "I have no boyfriend, i have no prospects, i feel ugly, i am so depressed."   Her friend suggested that she go see a doctor that had helped her when she had felt that way.  The doctor had his office in the heart of Chinatown, so the woman decided to give it a try, she had nothing to lose.

Upon being admitted to the doctor's examination room, she saw a little Chinese man in a white coat.  "Preeze come, rook in eyes"   To which the woman approached the doctor and gazed in his eyes.   The doctor nodded his head and said, "Preeze, take off croze, take off every thing"   To which the woman complied.   "Now, preeze, crawl on hands and knees to wall... turn around, crawl back and rook in face again." 

Puzzled by the strange request, the woman got down on the floor and crawled on her hands and knees to the wall, turned around and crawled back to the doctor, stood up and looked him in the face once more.   Feeling a little foolish all the while.

"Oh, so solly for you.", moaned the doctor,  "Worse case of Zackery disease ever see."   "Preeze, put on croze, and reave.   Nothing can do for this stage of affriction, pay nothing, cannot help.   Preeze go."

In shock the woman could not imagine what sort of disease she had and started to panic as she put her clothes on, imagining all sorts of terminal illnesses she might have.  She had never heard of Zackery disease before and weeping she asked the doctor what is this Zackery disease?

"Oh, velly easy to say,  You see, you face, rooks  zackery like you butt.   Cannot help, so solly."

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 Trimming the Tree



Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not
getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer
had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse,   they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours-- all my reindeer are
drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!

I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't
even back yet! What am I going to do?

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the
snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.  He barks,  "Yo, fat man!   What do you want me to do with this here tree?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass......


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 Mother's Christmas Cheer



See Mother. See Mother laugh. Mother is happy. Mother is happy about Christmas. Mother has many plans. Mother has many plans for Christmas.
Mother is organized. Mother smiles all the time. Funny, funny Mother.
See Mother. See Mother smile. Mother is happy. The shopping is all done.    
See the children watch T.V. Watch, children, watch.
See the children change their minds. See them ask Santa for different toys.
Look, look Mother is not smiling. Funny, funny Mother.
See Mother. See Mother sew. Mother will make dresses.
Mother will make robes. Mother will make shirts.
Look--Mother put the zipper in wrong. See Mother sew the dress on the wrong side. See Mother cut the skirt too short.  See Mother put the material away until January. Look, look, see Mother take a tranquilizer. Funny, funny Mother. See Mother.
See Mother buy raisins and nuts. See Mother buy candied pineapples and powdered sugar. See Mother buy flour and dates and pecans and brown sugar and bananas and spices and vanilla. Look, look, Mother is mixing everything together.
See the children press out the cookies. See the flour on their elbows.
See the cookies burn. See the cake fall. See
the children pull taffy.
See Mother pull her hair. See Mother clean the kitchen with the garden hose.
Funny, funny Mother.  See Mother. See Mother wrap presents.
See Mother look for the end of the scotch tape roll. See Mother bite her fingernails.
See Mother go. See Mother go to the store 12 times in an hour. Go, Mother, go. 
See Mother go faster. Run, Mother, run. See Mother trim the tree.
See Mother have a party. See Mother make popcorn. See Mother scrub the rug.
See Mother tear up the organized plan. See Mother forget the gift for Uncle Harold.
See Mother get the hives. Go, Mother, go. See the far-away look in Mother's eyes. Mother is disorganized. Mother is disoriented. Funny, funny Mother.
It is finally Christmas morning. See the happy family. See Father smile. Father is happy. Smile, Father, smile. Father loves fruit cake. Father loves Christmas pudding.
Father loves his new neckties. Look, look. See the happy children.
See the children's toys. Santa was very good to the children.
The children will remember this Christmas. See Mother.
Mother is slumped in a chair. Mother is crying uncontrollably.
Mother does not look well. Mother has ugly dark circles
under her blood shot eyes. Everyone will help Mother to
her bed. Mother sleeps quietly under heavy sedation. See
Mother smile. Funny, funny Mother.


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 Big Gulp Full of Coins



A redneck was walking along a deserted beach one afternoon and he
noticed somthing glittering in the sand. Upon investigation, he saw
that it was a brass lamp. He pulled it out of the ground and was brushing
off the sand when a geni appeared. The man was so surprised, he almost
dropped his 32-ouncer on the beach. "Who tha hell are yew?" says the redneck
"I am the geni of the lamp and i can grant you three wishes." Sceptically,
the redneck decides to test out this wild claim and tells the geni that
he wants his 32-oz'r cup to be full of quarters and never, ever, be
empty.
Where upon the rootbeer turned to quarters. Stashu dumpped the
contents of the cup onto the sand, and instantly the cup was again full.
Delighted with his unending source of income, he kept dumping the cup out
into the sand; soon a large pile of quarters was lying on the shore.
The Geni, growing impatient to grant the other wishes and be on his way
again, tapped our Redneck friend on the shoulder and reminded him, "Ahem.
of course you know, you DO have 2 more wishes to make?"
"oh, yeah,,ok,, well, gimmie another one 'o these fer pennys and one fer nickels."


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 The Morning After



After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face."
"He's an asshole..  pee on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well screw him then," said John.
"I did..  You're back at work on Monday."


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 Listen to Your Doctor


"Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in
sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this
upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my
life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of
pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental,
the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give
her more than ONE, understand? JUST one."

"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his
wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to
the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the
pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He
reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then
he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.
Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own
coffee.

His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their
dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure
enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little,
sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In
a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her
use before, she says, "I... need... a man..."

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too.."

LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTOR!


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 Expectant Fathers



Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride.  "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered.   "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.  An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. 
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.  When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should never have taken that job at 7-Up"
"I should never have taken that job at 7-Up"
"I should never have taken that job at 7-Up...
"


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 The Blind Man



Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a
drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm
can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man,
"where do you want me to put the blinds?"


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 The Geriatric Hooker



After 45 yrs together as man and wife, Jacob and Rebecca are expecting the good life of retirement, in their golden years. However Jake's pension don't look as good in 1997 as it did in 1940 (when he made his retirement plans) and they find they can not make ends meet. So Rebecca has a heart to heart with her husband of 45 yrs. "Jake, you took good care of me all my life. You are a good husband, and provider, but you got "schtupped" on your retirement. So now i, your loving wife, am
coming to the rescue.. I decided to get a job and pick up some extra money. Jake, hearing this hits the roof..., "Becky,, you crazy? You are 70 yrs old. What in the world can you do at that age. Becky thinks a bit and says,, Jake, mine husband, i am going to be a hooker.! When Jake's spasms of laughter subsided, he decided to humor her and helped her dress for her big night on the streets. Adorned with all the appropiate ecouterments, Becky ventures into the night. At 6am Jake is awaken by the front door opening and he gets up to find Becky, smiling from ear to ear and in great dissarray. "Jake", she cries. "What a wonderful time i had, and look at this,,,, where upon she dumps her evening's earnings on the table. Jake, half in shock that she went though with it, counts the money and exclaims, "Becky, you got $20.25!" "Wait a minuite,, I can see the 20 dollars, but Becky, what kind of
cheap skate, would give you 25 cents???
"25 cents?" replies Becky, "why, Jake, they All gave me twenty five
cents!"


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 Shhhhhh !



A man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a few
beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that
she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The
co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneek into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your
wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me,
she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late
that night, he sneeked into the house, slid down under the sheets,
gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned
and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak,
so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the
hall to the bathroom.  When he opened the door and went in, he was very
surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.  "How did you get in here so fast?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"


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 St. Pete's Potty Brake


Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus says "Fine."
St. Peter takes the book which lists everyone who's supposed to get into Heaven with him to the bathroom to have something to read.

As Jesus is standing there, he sees this old man leading a donkey up from
Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him.

When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus tells him he doesn't have the
book, but asks the old man to explain his life and why he felt he should be
admitted into heaven. Jesus would then make the decision whether or not to
let him in based on the story.

The man explains "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in
America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not
remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way. I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awestruck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes
and asks, "Are you MY father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks,

"Are you Pinocchio?"


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 The Cursing Parrot


There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is
driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the
freezer.   For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks
and claws and thrashes. Then suddenly it gets very quiet.
      At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the
bird might be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so
worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"


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 The Missing Period

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man
next door shot himself.   Isn't that exciting enough for you?"

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 Krazy Questions

Why are the increased Funeral expences blamed on the cost of living?

Why do they have interstate highways in Hawaii?

When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If a lawyer and an politician were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch, read the paper, or pee in the river?

Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

Why is there always one in every crowd?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig-zag?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If Stop & Shop merged with A&P , would they call it "Stop & P"?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Ever wonder how much the earth would weigh if all the birds took off at the same time?

If olive oil comes from olives, whale oil comes from whales, and corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been 'dissing' them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is tomorrow going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why isn't the word, phonetic, spelled that way?

If doctors only practicing, how come they charge so much? And even worse, who will be able to afford them when they are done practicing and start doctoring?

How come you can get a pizza faster than you can get an ambulance?

Why do they have handicapped parking in front of skating rinks?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

We know "tics" are repulsive, blood sucking parasites. The word "Poli" in Latin means "many". I wonder why the government chose a word like "Politics" to describe their opperation?

If "con"is the opposite of "pro", then would be the opposite of progress be congress?

Why do we fill our garages with junk and then leave our expensive automobile outside?

Why do they only have 8 hot dog rolls in a package when a pack of hot dogs contains 10?

Why do they have Braille instructions on "drive-up" ATMs?

Why do they have expiration dates on sour cream? How do you know when it is bad?

How come there are homeless American veterans living in cardboard boxes
and we have adulterous draft dodgers living in the white house?

Does it seem odd that they leave the bank vault wide open all day long and yet they chain the pens down to the desks?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If I bought some instant water, what would i mix it with?

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 Paper Work

A man sitting in a public convenience found to his inconvenience that there was no paper in the stall in which he was sitting.   Spotting a pair of pants in the next stall he knocked on the way and asked, "Hey, Buddy is there any paper in there?"  The answer came back, "No, none at all, I am lucky to have found a napkin myself."

A couple minutes pass and there comes another knock on the wall of the stall, "Hey buddy, is there any news paper lying near enough for you to reach?"   To which came back, "Nope, i already looked there too".

Another couple minutes go by and again, knock knock knock, "Hey buddy, are there any gum wrappers lying around on the floor, or even discarded cigarette packs, anything with paper in it?"     "Nope, not a thing that i can see here, sorry.", came the reply.

Desparate, and growing more uncomfortable by the minute, there came another knock.   "Hey buddy, you got change for a $20?" 



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 32 Ways to pee People Off

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO GO."

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally withyour pen while talking to thers.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running inall weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."

7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accor-dance with prophesy."

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.

13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others
that you "like it that way."

16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

21. type only in lowercase.

22. dont use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

27. Ask people what gender they are.

28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

30. Sing along at the opera.

31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.

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 100 Proof Pee

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying
in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is
stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish,
anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like
drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I
want, so make me pee vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass
out of the cupboard and peees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear.
Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes
a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes
running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard
and peees into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is
reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever
tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get
two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee in the two glasses. The
result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun
comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife,
"Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The
Russian begins to pee in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him,
"But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says,
"Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

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 That's My Story

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend when all of
a sudden the telephone rings and she answers the call..

After hanging up she says, "That was Jason, but don't worry.    He won't be
home for a while....   He's playing cards with You."

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 Irish Joy

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at
thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the
Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can
make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of
my hand."

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this".

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd
goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and
cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do?
I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and
says, "I bet you I can make every, Irish, person in the crowd go wild,
not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of
my head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope head-butts her.

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 My Nephew the Priest

     Two, long time friends, a Rabbi and a Priest were chatting one day.   The priest was very excited because his sister's son was entering the Seminary. "I'm a proud uncle now Abe, and guess what?   He may become a priest too one day."
To which, Abe replies, "oy, So Vot?".
Irritated, the priest continues, "Well from priesthood he could become a bishop.
" To which, Abe replies, " Oy vay,So Vot?"
Visibly perturbed, the priest proclaims, "Well, he could get elected to the College of Cardinals."
To which, Abe replies, "So Vot? Cardinal schmardinal, big deal".

"So What??", roared the priest, "So What??..  I'll tell you so what, he could be the Pope!" "Pope schope, vot's da big whoop?".
Losing all control, the antagonized priest blasphemed, "What the hell do you want him to be, before I don't get a goddlamn, "so what", out of you, Jesus Christ ?
Smiling at last, the rabbi replies, "Vell, Vie not?.   One of our boys made it !."


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 Happy Retirement Bob

      Bob had been a postal carrier on the same route for 30 years and all of the people on his route were saddened to hear he was retiring. On his last day one family gave him a large check, the next gave him a box of fine cigars, the
next a set of golf clubs. Each house had a gift for him.  At the last house was a beautiful woman who invited him upstairs and made passionate love with him all night. In the morning she cooked him a fabulous breakfast. As she was pouring him a cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill tucked under his saucer. He thanked his host most graciously for her hospitality but wondered what the dollar was for.
She told him that she discussed what going away gift to get him with her husband before he left on his trip.  Amazed that a man could  be so liberal with his wife, he asked her what  her husband had said.    "Well, when i asked him what we ought to give you, he just said, "screw him, give him a dollar."
The breakfast was my idea!


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 Rodney Dangerfield 1 liners

      Good crowd, good crowd, I'm telling you I could use a good crowd.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. 
They caught him stealing pens

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west

When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled through".

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it

What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "do you think we'll find them", "I don't know there's so many places to hide"

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show
him a picture of me.

My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.

My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.

One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it
out with an ax.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a
pooper scooper.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough"

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them " are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home", I went over - nobody was home

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

"Doc, every morning I look in the mirror and feel like barfing, what's wrong", he said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born the doctor turned me upside down and said, "my god twins"

Boy were we poor, if I wasn't born a boy I would of had nothing to play with.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks"

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf
should glow in the dark

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray
after we eat.

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is
indigestion.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

I have three kids, one of each.

What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my
preparation H.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I came from a real tough neighbourhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

I came from a real tough neighbourhood. In the library the sign says "shut the f..k up"!

I came from a real tough neighbourhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I came from a real tough neighbourhood. I bought a
waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I came from a real tough neighbourhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I came from a real tough neighbourhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I came from a real tough neighbourhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck.

My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled.  she said, "all kids smell that way".

Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. she said "No, but I did get the license number".

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind.  yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit.


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 Red & the Wolf

      Red Riding Hood (RRH) is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad
Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says RRH.
The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!   
     Further down the road RRH sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says RRH. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track RRH sees the wolf again, this time crouched
down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts RRH.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...
"Damn it Red, Will you piss-off, I'm trying to take a dump here!"


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 Super Radio

     
      This lady always wanted an expensive car-a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the dealer, and plops down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-ass, dream mobile. She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the damned thing. Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio.
He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates: "Classical", he says. *click* The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.
"Blues", he says, and *click* a B.B. King classic plays. She drives off amazed.
"Country", she says, and *click* a Garth Brooks tune comes on.
"Folk" *click* Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down.
"New Age" *click* Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on. She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. she swerves and screams at him, "Ass-hole !!!".

*click*  "Good morning, everyone. You're listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show.


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 After All These Years

     
      There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They
were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old
gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married
for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting
here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked
as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal !"


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 Languagae Improvements

      The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official language of
the EU, rather than German, which was the other
possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's
government conceded that English spelling had some room
for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in
plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

      In the first year, the letter "s" will replace the soft letter "c."
Sertaintly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The
hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should
klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the
"f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

      In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan
be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the
removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is
disgraseful, and they should go away.

      By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year,
ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

      After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil
be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech ozer.

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 Fogy-Proof Caps

      The old man went to the doctor and said "My wife and I want to have a baby".    The doctor looked at him and said "how old are you".  "84" the old man responded.
"How old is your wife", the doctor asked.   "Why, she is 80", responded the old man.   The doctor shook his head and said, "OK, lets start by getting a sperm count from you." Take this bottle home and bring back  a semen sample for testing as soon as you can."
Several days later the old man showed up at the doctors office and when the doctor saw him he handed the doctor an empty vial.   "What happened", said the doctor.
"Well", the old man said, "I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left hand. Then my wife tried with her right hand and then with her left hand, and finally she tried with her mouth.
But no matter what we tried we couldn't get the doggone cap off this bottle"

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 The Squeeze

      The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.)  but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the dry wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter,or what?"

"Oh, goodness no", t
he man replied, "I work for the IRS."

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 T.G.I.F

     

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered
the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted
him by saying, "T-G-I-F" .

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" .

" She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she
said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday,   get it?"

The man answered, "S-H-I-T,  Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday,  get it?"

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 Solidarity Forever

     

A dedicated UPS (United Parcel Service) union worker was attending
a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check
out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he
asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No," replies the Madame, "I'm sorry it isn't."

The UPS worker asks,"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls
get?"

Madame replies, "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down
the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
He searched several more establishments until finally he reached a
brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $20 and the girl get $80.", replies the Madame.

"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looks around the room
and points to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the
night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an
obese sixty year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here
has seniority."

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 Rise and Shine

 

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning
at six and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at seven and I sit
there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel
movement."

The 90 year old man says, "At six I pee like a horse, and at seven I
crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem then?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until eight!"

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 Rise and Shine

 

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning
at six and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at seven and I sit
there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel
movement."

The 90 year old man says, "At six I pee like a horse, and at seven I
crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem then?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until eight!"

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