Catchy Sayings, funny stuff

Things that may be funny but smack of truth.  Things that may touch you.  Things that may make you say, "What a load of BS.".     You never know what you may find in this area of my little world.  Read on and perhaps you will find something that you want for your self.   Anything that is "mine", you are welcome to use.

Strange questions
Dilbert Quotes
Bumper Stickers
The passing of Jean-Paul Dery




Bumper Stickers

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

My kid beat up the honor student at City Elementary.

If at first you don't succeed.. ..blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Illiterate? Write For Help

Insomnia?  Get a good nights sleep, you'll feel  better in the morning.

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

Seen on the back of a biker's vest - -If you can read this, the bitch fell off...

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

If you can read this, please flip me back over...  (seen upside down, on a jeep)

Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.

(Seen on restaurant window)  "GUYS: no shirt, no service.  Gals:  no shirt, no charge"

Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.ED

Stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Ax me 'bout Ebonics

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

Boldly going nowhere

CAT: The other white meat

CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!

Don't be sexist - bitches hate that

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, nor dazzle them with your fancy footwork then riddle them with bullets.

Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull

As I said before, I never repeat myself!

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry.  Then things get worse

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Eat right.  Stay fit.  Die anyway.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.




Strange Questions

Why are the increased Funeral expences blamed on the cost of living?

Why do they have interstate highways in Hawaii?

When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If a lawyer and an politician  were both drowning, and you could only save one of them,
would you go to lunch or read the paper, or pee in the river?

Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

Why is there always one in every crowd?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig-zag?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If Stop & Shop merged with A&P , would they call it "Stop & P"?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Ever wonder how much the earth would weigh if all the birds took off at the same time?

If olive oil comes from olives, whale oil comes from whales, and corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.  I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?  And who has been 'dissing' them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is tomorrow going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why isn't phonetic spelled that way?

If doctors only practicing, how come they charge so much?   And even worse, who will be able to  afford them when they are done practicing and start doctoring?

How come you can get a pizza faster than you can get an ambulance?

Why do they have handicapped parking in front of skating rinks?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

We know "tics" are  repulsive, blood sucking parasites.    The word  "Poli" in Latin means "many".
I wonder why  the government chose a word like "Politics"  to describe their opperation?

If "con"is the opposite of "pro", then would be the opposite of  progress be congress?

Why do we fill our garages with junk and then leave our  expensive automobile outside?

Why do they  only  have 8 hot dog rolls in a package when a pack of hot dogs contains 10?

Why do they have Braille instructions on "drive-up" ATMs?

Why do they have expiration dates on sour cream?  How do you know when it is bad?

How come there are homeless American veterans living in cardboard boxes
and we have adulterous draft dodgers living in the white house?

Does it seem odd that they leave the bank vault wide open all day long and yet they chain the pens down to the desks?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?



Dilbert Quotes

I can please only one person per day.  Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you?  How would you know?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress.   I'm a carrier.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.




    We live in a world filled with opposites and paradoxes.  So much so we even have a name for word phrases that contain seemingly opposite words.  We find them every day every where we look.  You pick up a Menu in a restaurant and you are likely to find items like "Jumbo Shrimp", or "Sweet and Sour" pork.   You turn on the television and watch a show that is "Taped Live", you may even use a medication such as "Icy Hot", to soothe aching muscles.  Here then are some more oxymorons that i have collected, some silly, some original, all amusing (i hope),  showing us our contrary "complex nature".    If you have any that i don't know of yet,  then i would love to share them with you...
Act Naturally
Found Missing
Resident Alien
Advanced Basic
Good Grief
Same Difference
Almost Exactly
Sanitary Landfill
Alone Together
Legally Drunk
Silent Scream
Idiot Savant
Military Intelligence
Soft Rock
Butt Head
New Classics
Sweet Sorrow
Now, then...
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggressive
Taped Live
Sweet & Sour pork
Clearly Misunderstood
Peace Force
Rap Music
Temp. Tax Increase
Computer Jock
Plastic Glasses
Terribly Pleased
Political Science
Jumbo Shrimp
Non-working Housewife
Tight Slacks
Definite Maybe
Pretty Ugly
12 oz pound cake
Diet Ice Cream
Working Vacation
Exact Estimate
Microsoft Works
Little Giant
Modern History
Fresh Frozen
Holy Wars
Tough Love
British Cuisine
 A good ass kicking
Sweet Revenge
 Perfect  Idiot
Precise Philosophy
Fuzzy Logic
Eschew Obfuscation
Fresh Sardines
Fresh buttermilk



( Misc.)